the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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