If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
