after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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