the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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