Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
