Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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