Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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