there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
