i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
