It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
