i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
