someone threw a dead crab at me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
