Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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