He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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