two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
