Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
