In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
