I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
