I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
