I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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