you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
