Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
