I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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