did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
