I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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