I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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