I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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