theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
