I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
