If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
