he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
