absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
