You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
