Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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