I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
