she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
