i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
