Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
