My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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