Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
