I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
