I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My life is pants optional.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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