it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
