Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
