Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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