My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Let's paint friendship bongs
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
