I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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