i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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