I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
