Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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